lists are easy.

• It feels quite strange to have posted something so very personal in the last post and to know so many eyes have viewed it. My thoughts on that sort of thing are definitely changing.
  
• A friend recently told me that "it's time to get back to the living"...and she's right. I'm going to need some help.
• I rediscovered Ravel's Bolero today and it's quite magnificent.
• The sound of whining children takes years off of my life.
• I dreamed last night that I shot my college-era boyfriend. I don't know why I had such an awful dream, but I feel terrible about it. We haven't spoken in several months. Is this worthy of a call? And what do I say if I do call? "Hey! I shot you in a dream I had over the weekend. How are ya?" Potential awkwardness, I say.
• Cows in commercials are funny. On my plate, tasty.

Some friends of friends are mourning the loss of their baby tonight. Their sweet daughter was born early and she was so tiny...I'm not sure of specifics. Their lives are forever changed by the birth and death of this sweet child. I can't imagine the depth of their sorrow, but our God is a big God who does understand and provides peace and comfort in the face of even the darkest of days.
Mom and Dad are named Katie and Whit. Lift them up.

unloading

I don't know that I'm back to blogging, but I have to unload for a bit. In bullet form.

• So sad. All of the time. I just don't feel like I can get out from under it. I am seriously struggling.
• I've started having hot flashes. It's as miserable as you think it is.
• I feel utterly useless. I haven't any impact on the world around me. That has to change, but I'm not sure how.
• Did I mention the hot flashes?
• I had strep throat last week and while that was pretty awful, it was glorious to have some time off of work. That's bad, isn't it?

That is all.

this time of year

I hate this time of year. I haven't always, but I do now.
-------------------
I am filled with yearning for things I cannot have.

I want to have a conversation with my Mom.
I wish I had my old life back.
I miss who I used to be.

getting it done.

work is good.
it's kicking my tail a little bit, but it's good.
my tootsies hurt, but mama's got new shoes and tomorrow will be great.

it is nice to have an agenda for the day.

my boss is great. i am not making the mistake of thinking she is a friend.
she's friendly, sure. but she's my boss.
my co-workers are nice people. a few already have nicknames (in my head). there will be stories from time to time.

i've been abundantly blessed. i know i have been given far more than i deserve.
god is always good, even when my days were as dark as my nights. his goodness is everywhere in my life.
i wanna spread it around.

ike update: my father and his wife (who has now returned from her cruise) are staying with us because they don't have electricity at their house.
it is cozy. co-zy.
i know that one day, when he's gone, i'll look back on this time and be grateful for it.
i'm just saying that this house seems much smaller these days.

sigh.

need-y

I hate being needy. I pride myself on my self-sufficiency* and so having to ask for what I need is a particularly difficult place for me to be. I haven't ever gone without the big things, but the little ones, the ones that make life livable and smooth, those are a different ball game. Especially right now.

I need peace.
I need direction.
I need peace about a direction.

There's more, but that's a pretty decent start.

Oh Father, how I need you. I need you, and I know that you know that.
Help me to find you.

*The irony (suckitude?) of this statement is not lost here.

it's been awhile.

I haven't abandoned the blogosphere, I just have been feeling pretty poopy. I think part of it is that I've been missing some of my life in Arkadelphia lately. I miss my kids. I miss those of you who became friends. Being a part of your life helped to make my life better. Thanks for letting me in.

Cheap Cheesecake today! Yee-haw!

Even though it's Wednesday, I feel Mondayish.

everything is easier in the caribbean

I'm in Puerto Rico. I honestly can't remember how many days I've been here so far. It's strange. I arrived so early the day I did get here that that day seems like two or three (broken up by a shower before lunch and a nap afterwards). I'm all discombobulated.

This helps, though.


We went to Old San Juan today, the part of the city that surrounds the two forts that protected this island way back in the olden days. (how's that for a lack of specificity?) It was really remarkable and old. America is such a baby nation that seeing something that was five hundred years old was really amazing. My internal history major (who doesn't get much chance to come out and play) was in her glory today, reading all of the plaques and taking pictures like a tourist. (I do want to state for the record that I understand the Americas were settled and civilized long before Europeans arrived.)



I did have a bit of an incident though...I had a skirt on today. It was windy. The wind might have caught my skirt. I'm certain there was exposure. Yikes and Oops. Oh well.

I drove today! I went to the store all by myself! Granted, I didn't say anything to anyone beyond "hola" or "gracias" but I felt very international, even though Puerto Rico is a part of the US. No bubble bursting!

I haven't had much time to think since I've been here. It's been so great to catch up with Michele and Scott and their precious, amazing girls and I don't want to miss any of that. There will be time to spend with my thoughts, I am sure. They are pesky little buggers.

better than

Did you ever listen to the Stephen Curtis Chapman album For the Sake of the Call? There's a song on that cd called "You Know Better" and it's a catchy little ditty about how Christians can get easily caught up in comparing ourselves to one another. We curse but justify it by saying, "Well, at least I don't use the f word. I never use God's name in vain like Joe from Accounting does. See? I'm not that bad." If it's not cursing, then it's speeding, looking a little too long a website or magazine cover that does not honor our spouse or whatever. Insert your favorite sin here.

One of the lines to the song that has stuck with me since I first heard that song (in my freshman year of college!) is this: God wants our best and not our "better than...."

Shoot! That's much tougher! I can always make myself feel better by doing just better than someone else. I remember that that is not what our Savior asks (demands) of me, and I realize once again how much I have to learn about living in this world and contributing to his Kingdom. I am a comparer. I am. I often don't even realize that I'm doing it, but it lurks beneath the surface of my smile, waiting to boost my ego on paper stilts.

There's nothing quite as humbling as self-destructing. Even in slow-motion, the cracks and creaks of a life falling apart are deafening and unmistakable. Well, it's unmistakable if you're looking. If you are busy comparing yourself to the people around you, instead of at the throne where the Father is seated, it is easy to miss. That's pretty much where I am.

I could write a book on what's been happening in my life over the last forty months or so, but here's one of the things I've learned: healing from sorrow requires community. I don't mean to say that I haven't had good friends here, because I have. I understand the difference between having good friends and having community, a tribe where I belong. That, I haven't had. When I have been fortunate enough to get a hint of it, members of the tribe move on, as is a hazard on a college campus. I have struggled to find a balance between getting into the lives of students to minister to them and encourage them (which is something I am going to miss terribly) and letting them minister to me. The bottom line is that I just haven't had enough friends of my own to sustain me during this season of my life.

I would wonder why I can't be strong like my friend W. She's remarkable. She's so in control of her emotions and keeps things on a tight rein. I envy her that ability. Ultimately, her situation is different from mine and she does have close friends, girls and guys with whom she grew up, to support her. It's also worth noting that her emotional makeup is different than mine. I love her and she's fabulous...but we are different.

This doesn't make much sense. Oh well.

where have you been all my life?

I have just discovered eBay. I know, it's been around for ten years. I know that it's a part of pop culture and there's practically no one left on earth who isn't familiar with it.

My father shops on eBay.


This could be trouble.


And, my headache is back. This time it brought friends. That was rude, don't you think?

Not such a Manic Monday

I might as well come clean: I'm listening to NSync. I don't even care. It's good pop music. Mock if you must, but I'm secure in my choice.

My sleep schedule is all discombobulated. I have got to get a handle on that. It's becoming a problem. For reals, yo.

I don't have much to say this morning. I did want to say hi though. So now I have.

Me and Lance, Justin, JC and the boys are going to sign off now.