You Were Meant For Me.

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been.

You can find me here.

if...

If I had another chance, I would do it differently.
(Maybe that's the point of the entire exercise?)





When I have another chance, I will do it differently.
I think that's the point of the entire exercise.

visting old friends.

in this case, the old friends are posts i wrote on xanga in 2005-2007. i recognize the writing, but man, the girl who wrote those posts is a total stranger. there's a part of me that wants to keep reading to find out who she is, and if she might come back, but there's another part of me who doesn't want to peek into that life...it was a long time ago. so much is different. not automatically worse, but decidedly less-good. in many ways, to me.

when does nostalgia mean something?

remembering.

As I drove home from work tonight, I was reminded how much I love summer nights. This night is especially perfect for driving, listening to music, thinking things through.

And now, a confession, if you don't mind: summer nights make me wish I were in love.

I dreamed a dream.

I dreamed about moving back to Arkadelphia today. Since I left, it never occurred to me that I could/would go back.

It's weird. It kind of makes my stomach hurt.

I feel like I should state, for the record, I don't have any actual plans to relocate, to there or anywhere, really. I just had this weird...daydream thing wherein I found myself living in the Delph. For all that's not quite right about my life (according to me, that is), I'm certain that the one thing that won't fix it is moving...again...to Arkansas.

I've asked for some vacation time in July...just to have a day or two to just be. It hasn't been approved yet, and if I'm not given the green light for these days off, I'm going to be sad. I'll deal with it and get over it, but there will likely be pouting. Just sayin'.

P.S. Hot flashes are back. Yes! Just in time for summer!

Mother's Day

Dear Mom,
It's our fourth Mother's Day without you...how can that be? We miss you so much. It's hard to believe it's been three and a half years since you left us for Heaven! Life goes on--because it must--but nothing is the same. I remember having conversations with you about this very thing, that the living must go on because the lives of other people are completely un-upended...but when it's personal, man is it ever personal.

Of course, there's nothing in particular that makes today any different from yesterday or tomorrow, it's just another day without you. Another day to be thankful for having had you, another day to chose to be happy that I had you for as long as I did. (I really suck at that last one, by the way. Like seriously, it's not good.)

I guess I just wanted to write down how much I miss you. I need you in new ways all of the time. New experiences pop up and I want your input and advice. There's still no substitute for Maxcine's wisdom! There's so much I want to tell you; so much I still need to know about you and lessons (and recipies!) for you to pass along. I realize again and again that you loved me so deeply and so sincerely and so completely. There's no one who loves a girl like her Mom. And this daughter misses her Mother. Today and every day.

I long for the day we will be reunited.

Love,
Heather

lists are easy.

• It feels quite strange to have posted something so very personal in the last post and to know so many eyes have viewed it. My thoughts on that sort of thing are definitely changing.
  
• A friend recently told me that "it's time to get back to the living"...and she's right. I'm going to need some help.
• I rediscovered Ravel's Bolero today and it's quite magnificent.
• The sound of whining children takes years off of my life.
• I dreamed last night that I shot my college-era boyfriend. I don't know why I had such an awful dream, but I feel terrible about it. We haven't spoken in several months. Is this worthy of a call? And what do I say if I do call? "Hey! I shot you in a dream I had over the weekend. How are ya?" Potential awkwardness, I say.
• Cows in commercials are funny. On my plate, tasty.

Some friends of friends are mourning the loss of their baby tonight. Their sweet daughter was born early and she was so tiny...I'm not sure of specifics. Their lives are forever changed by the birth and death of this sweet child. I can't imagine the depth of their sorrow, but our God is a big God who does understand and provides peace and comfort in the face of even the darkest of days.
Mom and Dad are named Katie and Whit. Lift them up.

"I'm Home"

Right before my Mom died, she'd gone out to run some errands and when she returned home, she called my sister and left her a quick message letting her know that she was finished with her out-of-the-house tasks and that she was home for the rest of the day. Though I don't know this for certain, I suspect that her errands were related to the prospect of having a house full of visitors for the Thanksgiving meal. She loved Thanksgiving, and had started prepping food early in the week for Thursday's main event.

Shortly after her death, we were faced with the prospect of a MOUNTAIN of food. People always cook for the bereaved, and we were certainly grateful for the love shown to us through carbs and protein, but we were also wondering what to do with all of the food she'd cooked before her death. Some of it was frozen to enjoy at a later time, but some of it wasn't going to freeze well, so it needed to be eaten alongside all of the stuff folks brought to us.

I guess all I'm saying is this: the message she left my sister was simple and short. It said, "Hey Jen, I'm home." I remember exactly where we were when Jennifer asked me if I wanted to listen to that message. I said I didn't, thinking it would make me too sad.* I wish I would have listened to it. I don't know why that's eating me up right now, but it is. I can't even tell you how much regret is eating away at me for not taking the chance to hear her tell us she was home.

I once heard about a sermon on heaven and why we as believers should be excited about the prospect of spending eternity there. There's the stuff we're familiar with because of "When We All Get to Heaven" and "Holy Holy Holy" but there's also the prospect that we'll not just be in the presence of our savior, but also our loved ones. Heaven is home because people who know us and love us are there, waiting for us. Jesus has prepared a place for us and will come to take us there.

I'm ready.

*The irony is that I wasn't even really "sad" at that point...I was in the blissful stage of shock. Comparatively, I wasn't really feeling anything at that point. Sad didn't show up until much later, when I fully began to understand that she was gone and not coming back. Another aside: I still have to re-remember that death means I won't see her again in this life. Sometimes it's easy to think she's just...away, on a trip. (Don't judge me.)

unloading

I don't know that I'm back to blogging, but I have to unload for a bit. In bullet form.

• So sad. All of the time. I just don't feel like I can get out from under it. I am seriously struggling.
• I've started having hot flashes. It's as miserable as you think it is.
• I feel utterly useless. I haven't any impact on the world around me. That has to change, but I'm not sure how.
• Did I mention the hot flashes?
• I had strep throat last week and while that was pretty awful, it was glorious to have some time off of work. That's bad, isn't it?

That is all.

thanksgiving

While I know I have a lot for which to be thankful, I don't like Thanksgiving.
It's so heavy.

I'm still not ready.